It's Been A Long Week

So lately death has been very dominant. Many deaths, friends, friends family, pets, acquaintances, even television characters have been dying. When I see people in pain because they've lost there loved ones; it hurts. But I keep referring to a quote I once heard; that there's a difference in pain from ones that choice to leave you, and ones that don't. Everybody that lost someone to death knows that their loved ones, well they loved them, and vice versa. But so many people, so many friends in my life have chose to leave me. So much family, and it hurts. Knowing that you are willing to fight for someone that left a long time ago. It breaks you even more than when they first left.

"All I gotta say is I've been wrong": Time doesn't heal the pain. And life, doesn't go on. It drags on, dragging your heart along with it.

"I'm finally feeling like it's ok to break into a thousand pieces, no one can replace": No matter how hard you try, no one can replace the person you've lost. They may be able to fill the void for awhile, but it'll come back, and when it does it'll break you just as easily as it did before.

"Everyone around me is disappearing": I have no one left. Everybody is gone. Even the people that are "here"; my mom, don't know, they can't even begin to know...

"I'm finally ready to be here": The last few lines in the song are wrong, I'm not ready to be here... I just hope... what little hope I have left, that I can be ready... eventually. I do know one thing, I'm ready to meet my heavenly father...

Truly Blessed

Today I have talked to three of my closest friends; Katie, Bailey, and Alex. My very best friends.

Katie and I have special kind of connection. We call each other bitches and fight like sisters, but when it comes down to it, there is no one who I could spend my time with that makes me laugh as much as she does. When I'm having a bad day and am being completely impossible she tells me how much a pain in the butt I'm being, which ironically enough, makes me smile. She doesn't pretend to be okay with the way I act when I'm upset, she tells me how it is, and I respect that. When we're together, no matter if it's every day, or once every month; we always have a good time together.

Bailey and I have been friends for a little over a year. This was probably one of the toughest years that I might have chosen to become her friend. Friends and family have passed away, diseases have tried to take over our bodies, and we've fought our own battles. Many people would bail on me, and many people would have bailed on her, but I would not have had it any other way. I'm more than grateful that she came into my life. She understands me in ways that others couldn't possibly compare. We support, love, and care for each other with "no burdens."

Alex and I have been friends for seven in a half years; since the sixth grade. We have lived, traveled, vacationed, cried, loved, cared, laughed, and fought together. We have definitely had our share of ups and downs, but we always make it through. We don't talk all that often, we don't talk every week, sometimes not even every month, but when we do we always caught up on each others lives. I feel as if with the friendship we have built we will be friends for a long time, maybe not for life. But as we grow older and grow into our own people, away from each other, we will always be able to call or text the other at the most random of times.

To these three girls, and all my other close friends; Sarah, Jackie, Megan, Hollyn, Amee, Tyler, Dylan, Madison, Erika, Haley, Marquita, and Tatyana, I love each of you in different ways and for different reasons. I am truly blessed to have you in my life.

The Mask

Today I have done  rather magnificent job at faking happy. I have fooled the majority of my friends; even some rather close to me. You may read this and think it's sad, but the sad part isn't that I have to fake. Or even that the people I find closest to me don't see past it. The sad part is, I don't want to fake anymore. I don't want to have to put on a smile, force a laugh... I don't want to get up in the morning. I want a friend to do for me what I would do for them... I want someone to come over with two tubs of ice cream, a box of tissues, and just curl up on the couch with me and watch movies that make me cry all day. Not needing to talk, but not needing to keep quiet. Just...needing a friend. It's time for me to put up the mask.

XOXO