Deepest State of Depression

For the past few days I have been in the lowest of all places. Depression has really being working it's way into the deepest parts of me. I am normally a MASTER at putting on my mask, but I have probably bite the heads off of so many people in the past few days.

I had no one to turn to, and even now, I really don't. Not someone who can even begin to understand how I'm feeling or what I'm going through. But yesterday, after I attempted to get my "best friends" attention, I was feeling even worse. (Not having a best friend to be there for you can do that.) At this point I had given up, I really wanted to talk to SOMEONE who I knew would at least give one little care in the world. So, that left two very special girls who have been there for me through thick and thin; Jackie Keeney and Sarah Heinemann. I decided to go to Sarah, she had once told me that she wanted to help me, plus I knew Jackie was having her own hard time.

Sarah is a blessing. When I went to a group home she took the time to write/type me a 10+ page letter. She kept in contact with me, and when I came home to visit, she would make sure she saw me, somehow. When I have been in a depressed state, this girl has picked me up. I knew that if I turned to her, I would get some sort of relief, to say the least.

When I turned to her, she cared, she gave me advice, and she made me feel proud of myself for about 2.5 seconds, which is a HUGE deal. I needed someone to be there for me, and she was. I will never forget that. When no one else helped me, she did. And I am grateful to have her in my life.

So Sarah, I have one thing to look forward to this morning, and that is knowing that if I need someone, I have a friend like you to help me in my deepest states of depression.

Thank you. I love you.

XOXO

At A Distance

I have this friend, who many people tell me isn't really my friend, but I am theirs. I realize that the people who have told me this are right. This person may have been my friend at one time or another, but not any longer. And I was determined to make sure they stayed a part of my life, to the point that it could be viewed as desperation. Which, honestly, I was desperate to keep them in my life. At this point though, I will not walk away, because that's not who I am and that is not what I do. Too many people have done that to me, and even though this person probably wouldn't care or notice if I left their life, that's not me. So I'm going to stop trying. I'll still be nice and be there, take the higher road. When the time comes to be their friend, I will be, but while I wait I will live my life as if nothing has changed. And be happy with it. Maybe that is what moving on is really about, not leaving, but being strong enough to stay at a distance.

Little Piece of Paper

Today's post is really for yesterday, but I did not think of it until last night around midnight, so here I am. :)

Last night I got a phone call from one of my friends who was very distraught. I can not go into details about who this friend was or what they discussed with me, but what I can say is that I am honored. Now don't get me wrong, I wish my friend did not have to experience any of the pain that is happening in their life. It tears me up inside to think they are hurting like this, while on the phone with them I swear I was crying just as much. If you know me, you know how deeply and passionately I love and care for people, especially those close to me. What I am honored about is that out of everybody in this persons life, they chose me. I'm the one person they go to, the one person they don't feel they have to put a mask on for. And I don't want them too. Unlike others, I don't expect them to be strong, even though I know you are, even if you gave in, I would love you just the same. Being there for you every step of the way.

Through those 60+ pages, I promise you, I'll always be the little piece of paper.

XOXO

Learning to Dance

I think everyone is somewhat familiar with the quote my title of this post refers to.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."

In yesterdays blog I touched briefly on how stressed I have become in the past two weeks. All this time I have been letting this storm consume and control me, instead of dancing in the rain. My outlook on things has caused this storm to turn into a flash flood warning. I'm beginning to see that I need to change this. I'm going to have to learn how to dance in the rain.

XOXO

At Rope's End

Yesterday, at the end of the day I received a random text message from my best friend Bailey. She was talking about a mutual television show that we liked.

Now, to a normal person this might seem like a simple text, but you have to understand how extremely stressful my day had been. Bailey and I, even though we are best friends, do not talk often, and when we do, it's normally about something important. And that's just part of the reason this random text message from her was so special. Because of the very fact that it was not about something important. She didn't need me for anything and she had no earthly idea that I might be in need of her. She just... wanted to talk to me. :)

So the hidden message behind today's entry is... even though your day may be going horribly wrong, don't give up, wait it out, and try to make the best of it. You never know what random blessings you might receive at the end of your day.

I got mine, and I thought I was at my rope's end.

XOXO

Random Act of Kindness

Honestly as I was beginning to write what today's blog would be about I was going to write about my lack of faith in God and how someone's testimony today changed my perspective a little. But about an hour ago something happened that meant more, so the other story will just have to wait.

Earlier today I had a customer who had the most beautiful blue purse and I told her how much I liked it. Just a few minutes ago a lady walked up to me with a GAP bag and asked me if I was Rebecca. I told her I was and she handed me the bag saying her sister wanted her to give it to me. I asked her who her sister was and she said it would make sense when I opened it, she then walked away. I slowly opened the bag and inside was the purse.

You have no idea how grateful I am to this woman. She is a blessing in disguise. I wish I could thank her, but I'm starting to realize that that's not what random acts of kindness are really about. What it's really about is how the person doesn't want gratitude, all they want is to give somebody else something to smile about.

XOXO

The First Step

I still have nobody to be there for me, everybody has disappeared, but this has helped me to slowly, and by slowly I mean snail "speed", realize that maybe the reason I can't let the people who try to be there for me be there is, because I'm not comfortable with being the only one, besides God, that is there for me. I need to be able to wake up in the morning and say, "I'm alone physically, but I am never truely alone. As long as God is for me, who can be against?" And honestly, I am not able to do that yet. I wake up in the morning depressed and afraid of facing the day. Afraid of living.

I still have a long way to go, but I've heard the first step to recovery is admitting it. And I believe I'm at least halfway there. :)

XOXO