It's Been A Long Week

So lately death has been very dominant. Many deaths, friends, friends family, pets, acquaintances, even television characters have been dying. When I see people in pain because they've lost there loved ones; it hurts. But I keep referring to a quote I once heard; that there's a difference in pain from ones that choice to leave you, and ones that don't. Everybody that lost someone to death knows that their loved ones, well they loved them, and vice versa. But so many people, so many friends in my life have chose to leave me. So much family, and it hurts. Knowing that you are willing to fight for someone that left a long time ago. It breaks you even more than when they first left.

"All I gotta say is I've been wrong": Time doesn't heal the pain. And life, doesn't go on. It drags on, dragging your heart along with it.

"I'm finally feeling like it's ok to break into a thousand pieces, no one can replace": No matter how hard you try, no one can replace the person you've lost. They may be able to fill the void for awhile, but it'll come back, and when it does it'll break you just as easily as it did before.

"Everyone around me is disappearing": I have no one left. Everybody is gone. Even the people that are "here"; my mom, don't know, they can't even begin to know...

"I'm finally ready to be here": The last few lines in the song are wrong, I'm not ready to be here... I just hope... what little hope I have left, that I can be ready... eventually. I do know one thing, I'm ready to meet my heavenly father...

Truly Blessed

Today I have talked to three of my closest friends; Katie, Bailey, and Alex. My very best friends.

Katie and I have special kind of connection. We call each other bitches and fight like sisters, but when it comes down to it, there is no one who I could spend my time with that makes me laugh as much as she does. When I'm having a bad day and am being completely impossible she tells me how much a pain in the butt I'm being, which ironically enough, makes me smile. She doesn't pretend to be okay with the way I act when I'm upset, she tells me how it is, and I respect that. When we're together, no matter if it's every day, or once every month; we always have a good time together.

Bailey and I have been friends for a little over a year. This was probably one of the toughest years that I might have chosen to become her friend. Friends and family have passed away, diseases have tried to take over our bodies, and we've fought our own battles. Many people would bail on me, and many people would have bailed on her, but I would not have had it any other way. I'm more than grateful that she came into my life. She understands me in ways that others couldn't possibly compare. We support, love, and care for each other with "no burdens."

Alex and I have been friends for seven in a half years; since the sixth grade. We have lived, traveled, vacationed, cried, loved, cared, laughed, and fought together. We have definitely had our share of ups and downs, but we always make it through. We don't talk all that often, we don't talk every week, sometimes not even every month, but when we do we always caught up on each others lives. I feel as if with the friendship we have built we will be friends for a long time, maybe not for life. But as we grow older and grow into our own people, away from each other, we will always be able to call or text the other at the most random of times.

To these three girls, and all my other close friends; Sarah, Jackie, Megan, Hollyn, Amee, Tyler, Dylan, Madison, Erika, Haley, Marquita, and Tatyana, I love each of you in different ways and for different reasons. I am truly blessed to have you in my life.

The Mask

Today I have done  rather magnificent job at faking happy. I have fooled the majority of my friends; even some rather close to me. You may read this and think it's sad, but the sad part isn't that I have to fake. Or even that the people I find closest to me don't see past it. The sad part is, I don't want to fake anymore. I don't want to have to put on a smile, force a laugh... I don't want to get up in the morning. I want a friend to do for me what I would do for them... I want someone to come over with two tubs of ice cream, a box of tissues, and just curl up on the couch with me and watch movies that make me cry all day. Not needing to talk, but not needing to keep quiet. Just...needing a friend. It's time for me to put up the mask.

XOXO

Filling The Void

Yesterday was a really good day, which I rarely have those. And at first I thought it was because I got to see one of my friends from my hometown. But it turned out that the people I'm around now, are the ones that made it special. I love my friends from my hometown, but it's depressing getting up in the mornings and knowing I don't have friends around me, but lately, three beautiful ladies have made me feel like I could make a home where I live. Thank you to those friends who I have recently made. You have taught me the meaning of friendship, and that wherever I may go, I can find people like you to fill the void.

XOXO

Deepest State of Depression

For the past few days I have been in the lowest of all places. Depression has really being working it's way into the deepest parts of me. I am normally a MASTER at putting on my mask, but I have probably bite the heads off of so many people in the past few days.

I had no one to turn to, and even now, I really don't. Not someone who can even begin to understand how I'm feeling or what I'm going through. But yesterday, after I attempted to get my "best friends" attention, I was feeling even worse. (Not having a best friend to be there for you can do that.) At this point I had given up, I really wanted to talk to SOMEONE who I knew would at least give one little care in the world. So, that left two very special girls who have been there for me through thick and thin; Jackie Keeney and Sarah Heinemann. I decided to go to Sarah, she had once told me that she wanted to help me, plus I knew Jackie was having her own hard time.

Sarah is a blessing. When I went to a group home she took the time to write/type me a 10+ page letter. She kept in contact with me, and when I came home to visit, she would make sure she saw me, somehow. When I have been in a depressed state, this girl has picked me up. I knew that if I turned to her, I would get some sort of relief, to say the least.

When I turned to her, she cared, she gave me advice, and she made me feel proud of myself for about 2.5 seconds, which is a HUGE deal. I needed someone to be there for me, and she was. I will never forget that. When no one else helped me, she did. And I am grateful to have her in my life.

So Sarah, I have one thing to look forward to this morning, and that is knowing that if I need someone, I have a friend like you to help me in my deepest states of depression.

Thank you. I love you.

XOXO

At A Distance

I have this friend, who many people tell me isn't really my friend, but I am theirs. I realize that the people who have told me this are right. This person may have been my friend at one time or another, but not any longer. And I was determined to make sure they stayed a part of my life, to the point that it could be viewed as desperation. Which, honestly, I was desperate to keep them in my life. At this point though, I will not walk away, because that's not who I am and that is not what I do. Too many people have done that to me, and even though this person probably wouldn't care or notice if I left their life, that's not me. So I'm going to stop trying. I'll still be nice and be there, take the higher road. When the time comes to be their friend, I will be, but while I wait I will live my life as if nothing has changed. And be happy with it. Maybe that is what moving on is really about, not leaving, but being strong enough to stay at a distance.

Little Piece of Paper

Today's post is really for yesterday, but I did not think of it until last night around midnight, so here I am. :)

Last night I got a phone call from one of my friends who was very distraught. I can not go into details about who this friend was or what they discussed with me, but what I can say is that I am honored. Now don't get me wrong, I wish my friend did not have to experience any of the pain that is happening in their life. It tears me up inside to think they are hurting like this, while on the phone with them I swear I was crying just as much. If you know me, you know how deeply and passionately I love and care for people, especially those close to me. What I am honored about is that out of everybody in this persons life, they chose me. I'm the one person they go to, the one person they don't feel they have to put a mask on for. And I don't want them too. Unlike others, I don't expect them to be strong, even though I know you are, even if you gave in, I would love you just the same. Being there for you every step of the way.

Through those 60+ pages, I promise you, I'll always be the little piece of paper.

XOXO